Dear voters, the following is a compilation of Joe Biden’s grades for 2021, broken down into subjects, followed by my comments. The expected grade and actual grade is also included.
ECONOMICS 101
Expected Grade: B
Actual Grade: D
Comment: Joe has been around Washington, DC, long enough to know the axiom of political success, summed up succinctly by James Carville, Bill Clinton’s 1992 presidential campaign strategist: “It’s the economy, stupid.” I regret to say that Joe must have been dozing off during more than one of these critical lectures.
Your prodigal son, despite so much early promise, has already ‘outperformed’ his peer Jimmy Carter (‘Class of 1977’) for having the lowest net economic rating of any leader at this point through their first term. Carter’s economic approval rating of -8 was the lowest before Joe relieved Jimmy of his long-standing record with an outstanding -13. As you may guess, this was no small feat, considering that Carter was driven out of the White House by the Four Horsemen of Political Disaster, namely double-digit inflation, high interest rates, a gas shortage and sluggish economic growth. Sound familiar? It’s not a good sign that US consumers are already feeling the pinch of Biden’s peculiar brand of economic policy.
Amid shortages of supplies, a loaf of bread that cost $1.49 for years, has now risen to $2.69, an 81% increase. This applies to other sectors of the US economy as well, where shortages on the store shelves amid breaks in the supply chain are becoming worrisome trends, especially with a so-called ‘dark winter’ descending slowly upon us. We can only hope that Joe starts to take his economic lessons much more seriously in the near future, for the sake of all Americans.
LOGIC 101
Expected Grade: C
Actual Grade: D-
Comment: Inexplicably, Joe has shown a marked tendency for discontinuing some of the more popular policies of his predecessor, that notorious class clown, Donald J. Trump, and under the most bewildering explanations.
Exhibit One: the 1,200-mile Keystone XL Pipeline, which would have delivered 830,000 barrels of crude oil daily from Alberta, Canada to US refineries in the Gulf Coast. That ambitious project, handed to Biden on a silver platter by Orange Man, was set to generate tens of thousands of high-paying oil sector jobs. Additionally, it would have cured Uncle Sam of his debilitating Middle East oil addiction, not to mention all of the military adventures that complicated relationship has spawned over the decades. Yet Biden, in one of his first buffoonish acts as president, canceled the project with one arbitrary stroke of his executive pen. The primary reason given for this rash decision was ‘climate change,’ which is odd considering that the US still depends on OPEC imports via lengthy cargo transfers across the ocean that spew massive amounts of carbon dioxide into the atmosphere.
Joe had a golden opportunity to give Americans a reliable and local source of energy, with no threat to US military lives abroad, yet he abysmally failed to deliver. He still has three years to correct that gross mistake and reverse yet another failing grade.
MUSIC
Expected Grade: C
Actual Grade: A+
Comment: Thankfully, all is not lost as far as Joe’s scholastic record and future prospects are concerned. The sprightly lad has surprised everyone here in the US Capitol by showing remarkable aptitude in a field where only the very best excel. Yes, America’s got talent in Joe Biden! Your gifted progeny has single-handedly provided the soul inspiration for one of biggest pop solo hits of the year, debuting at number 45 on the US Billboard Hot 100 chart for the week ending October 30, 2021. Admittedly, the lyrics are a bit more profane than his custodians would prefer, and the title may trigger some controversy among the cancel cult, but make no mistake Joe has got the credentials to take the music industry by storm. Let’s go, Brandon!
LAW & ORDER
Expected Grade: D
Actual Grade: F
Comment: Regrettably, Joe is showing far less aptitude in criminal theory than he has displayed in the field of entertainment. Perhaps this speaks to his artistic and freedom-loving side, we just don’t know. Yet we can say with certainty that Joe has fallen in with the wrong crowd in Washington DC of late. A group of young radical progressives in his class, who go by the name of The Squad, have left an indelible impression on his tender mind. Thanks to their dubious influence, Joe has been led to believe that every single problem in the country is easily reducible to something known as ‘systemic racism.’
In this narrow and stunted worldview, minorities are at the mercy of deplorable ‘white supremacist’ troglodytes (otherwise known as ‘Trump supporters’), for whom there exists an entire anthology inside of the US educational system known as ‘critical race theory.’ Ironically, despite sponsoring the Violent Crime Control and Law Enforcement Act of 1994 as a way to halt criminal behavior, Joe has embraced these half-baked ideas. This has translated into less ‘racist’ police officers, who are being relieved of their duties by social workers armed with name badges, while members of ‘smash-and-grab’ flash mobs loot and steal with impunity, knowing that liberal, Soros-subsidized District Attorneys won’t prosecute them. This is all part of the ‘new normal,’ psychotic as it is. As a result, murder rates are off the charts; a dozen US cities – all of them run by Democrats, by the way – have just broken records for annual homicides. Joe should understand better than anyone that going soft on crime is no way to graduate top of the class. In fact, it puts you dead last, and with midterms fast approaching, that should be of some concern.
FOREIGN RELATIONS
Expected Grade: C
Actual Grade: F
Comment: Just one year into Joe’s tenure, Washington’s position on the global stage could not look more precarious. Instead of attempting to cultivate relations with at least one of the world’s major military powers, either Russia or China, the Biden White House has moved to alienate both at the same time. Call it a hunch, but Sun-Tzu, the Chinese military strategist, would probably not approve.